I Hate to Be This Person But Here's What You Should Buy at Trader Joe's
Because sometimes you need to eat mediocre food and that’s ok.
Here are two things I know to be true: 1) Trader Joe’s is a convenience store for adults and you cannot convince me otherwise, and 2) sometimes you want to eat things you can slop into your mouth standing over your sink in under 5 minutes. It’s called self care. I can’t always prepare gourmet 4 course meals for my ungrateful family. Sometimes I need to turn on my oven, burn some frozen spanakopita and serve that with an underwhelming arugula salad and call it dinner. When I need food on the table fast and I don’t want to think, I turn to a trusted old friend: Mr. Joe.
Trader if you’re nasty.
I am a 38-year-old mother with an 8-year-old son and an inbred, simple minded Sheepadoodle named Elmer. I am also white. Therefore I am bound by some cosmic force to go to Trader Joe’s. The siren song of TJ’s will call to me once every couple of weeks and I am no better than a horny sailor crashing his ship into some rocks for mermaid pussy (mermussy?)
I do not go to Trader Joe’s to browse and sample whatever weird cracker they’re offering this week. I go to Trader Joe’s to GET SHIT DONE. I go in there with laser focus and military precision. I am in and out in under 15 minutes. By the time you see the whites of my eyes I will already have spent anywhere from $13 - $172 depending on my mood.
If you see me at Trader Joe’s, do not approach me. I am not here to talk. I am here to shop. Also my car is illegally parked on top of another car because there were no spots available. In the words of Justin Beiber: “is it not clocking to you that I’m standing on business?” So, get out of my way, you’re blocking the microwavable basmati rice.
If I’m doing a full-throttle balls-to-the-wall let’s fill up this motherfuckin’ cart trip here’s what mama’s getting in no particular order: